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If you’re dating, single, in a relationship, or already married, you probably know: men love chasing women.

Not true?

A man may have an aversion to the feeling of rejection, uncertainty, or frustration with not achieving what he thinks is his desired result. But if you can get a straight man to be honest about his intentions (a miracle, I know), he’ll say he loves it when a woman plays hard to get.


Is it because men are naturally competitive? Some evolutionary urge? Outdated courting customs?

You might make an argument for all of the above, but they only play a small part. Read until the end of this article to find out the whole truth.

A woman who makes him chase respects herself.

Human beings are great bullshit detectors. A man knows when you’re making him chase just for the sake of the chase, but a woman who respects her time, her standards, her career, her body, is not just going to jump into a relationship (or into bed). And men know that, if only on a subconscious level.

There was a story from a dating coach who said:

I went back to London, where there’s this girl I see any time I’m in town. I texted her, “hey I’m pretty busy, but I have maybe an hour between shows if you want to get together.”

She responded to him, “I’d love to see you, but I’m not the 1 hour type of girl ;)”

In other words, yes I want to see you, but on my terms.

This response is fun, flirty perfection. She’s showing her standards without turning the man off. She instantly becomes more attractive, because he’s thinking about her in a whole new light.

A woman who makes him chase isn’t ‘easy’.

Right, right this 2018..if men can be easy, so can women..blah, blah, blah.

Men shouldn’t be easy either! I’m not sure where we got this idea that sex is not physiologically different than a handshake, but it is, and we have brain scans to prove it. Sex is the most physically intimate thing that two people can do, and any time there’s that much emotion (good or bad) coursing through the gyri and sulci of your brain, attachments are made.

And even the good feminist men, somewhere deep down, get turned off by the women who give it up to easily (just like most women would with roles reversed). It may not register right away, but something in the unconscious mind registers that this person isn’t as serious as I aspire to be (‘aspire’ since we both did it).

A woman who makes him chase knows what she wants.

In the texting scenario above, the woman knows she doesn’t want the type of relationship he’s suggesting. He can choose to play at her level, or he can decide he’s not interested, and that’s perfectly ok!

When the chase does work, it’s because both men and women are living the lives they want to live. And if the other doesn’t want to go along with it, that just means he or she is not the right person for you (right now).

Why the chase doesn’t actually work

An instagram follower sent me a message that (summarized) said something like this, “I played hard to get, and he left me alone. I just wanted him to try harder.”

Chasing for the sake of chasing is unbelievably frustrating, and many women have gotten the message that that’s what they’re supposed to impose on men. You say “no” so that he can ask again. You say “I’m busy” so that he offers the same thing next week. But if you aren’t giving legitimate reasons, and not still being fun and flirtatious, the man will either think a) your lives don’t quite match up enough, or more likely, b) you’re not interested at all.

When Deborah and I first met, I chased her, but it wasn’t the chase that made me fall in love. It was the fact that she was exactly who she was..all the time, and with everybody.

She drove with some friends to the north end of the Yucatan, becuase she’s a spontaneous traveler. She went to parties alone, and even went off and danced with other men because parties and dancing are fun…and the life she was living in that moment was mostly about having fun (we weren’t committed yet, this wouldn’t happen now).

Did it make me jealous? Did it make me want her more? Yes and yes, but it’s just because I wanted to be around the woman who was brave enough to walk through the Brazilian favelas alone and amicable enough to play soccer with the kids there. I wanted to commit to the woman who loved romantic picnic dates on the beach.

But perhaps most importantly, I wanted the person whose heart was as beautiful as anything else about her, and the woman who was the same person no matter who she was with.

Can making him chase work for you?

Yes, but not if you make it about the chase. Make it about being exactly who you are.

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